I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
