I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
