Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
