Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
