only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I have aggressive nipples.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
