I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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