She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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