Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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