Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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