well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
