You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
