I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
