Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
