I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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