Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
