I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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