Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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