I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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