i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
