I cannot find my penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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