I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
