I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
