: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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