fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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