You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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