I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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