I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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