You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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