i think i have two assholes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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