So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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