Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
