I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
