if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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