What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
