Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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