Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
