She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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