I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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