just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
