I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
