I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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