everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
