I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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