Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
