the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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