I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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