a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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