I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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