Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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