Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
