I have demons in me.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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