She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
