we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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