Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
